Dear World,

It took me most of my adult life to understand that admiration and love are not the same

︎


I have always felt like I had to deserve to be loved. I had to prove I was worth it, and in case, improve myself so that people would love me. It took me most of my adult life to understand that admiration and love are not the same, and that admiration is often wrapped in competition and envy.

I wanted a hero by my side, and I didn’t realize that in the reality, I often identified my heroes in mostly self-centered men, deaf to critic and intimidated by my potential.

Improving myself while trying to cope with what I though was other’s expectations about me, was like going for a walk on the highway with blind eyes.

I am still learning how to love myself by refusing compromise when it comes to mutual respect and emotional needs. My bigger fear is to be forgotten, to vanish in other’s memories.

My feelings are so intense they occupy my whole mind and energy, leaving me empty and driving me miles away from myself.

And when this love is unrequited, I feel annihilated and useless.

I am slowly learning how to divert this intensity toward self-improvement. I am slowly learning to see the real me, who makes choices for herself and not because she thinks this is what’s expected from her.

I am slowly learning that being inspirational to others is just a consequence of being inspirational to myself, and not the other way around.

People say “when you will finally truly love yourself, love will come”. Well, I don’t know if this will happen to me. But I’ve never felt so whole and complete before.  


Sincerely,

She wanted a hero, so she became one.