Dear World,

I have spent my whole life trying to understand what is wrong with me and why. 

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My existence as a functioning human being has relied on prescribed drugs from a very young age. Although I was officially diagnosed with depression and anxiety at age fourteen I was on Prozac well before then. Valium was the answer, from my doctor, when I got frightened to go to school. The contraceptive pill was the answer, from age 11, to help with my ‘mood’. At age 17 I was diagnosed with body dysmorphic disorder and obsessive compulsive tendencies by a psychiatrist who was later found guilty of sexually abusing patients.

I tried to commit suicide eight times before the age of 23.

I have spent my whole life trying to understand what is wrong with me and why. I haven’t lived or experienced, I have existed. Believing I am not...strong enough, good enough, worthy or loved, I can not... cope, get through, help myself, find happiness and I will not... get better, succeed, enjoy my life or be loved and accepted for who I am.

My father left before I was born. I was raised by mother. I know it was hard for her and I am thankful for what she did to keep me alive.


I recently discovered, at age 36, a personality disorder called covert passive aggressive narcissistic disorder. A person with this disorder requires a constant ‘feed’ from an unknowing source. They require control and will do anything to get it. Above anything else they will not show their true self to anybody other than the person who they ‘feed’ from. They are typically a partner, a family member, a boss or a parent. A covert passive aggressive narcissistic parent can mould a child to be their personal ‘feed’ for life by making them codependent. The child will be unable to think for themselves, be indecisive, lacking confidence and self esteem; be unable to function unless supported and convince themselves that if they change their appearance they will be liked.

The child will carry this into adulthood and become a codependent adult who feels they have no control over their life and no way out. The saddest part about what I discovered is that a covert passive aggressive narcissist isn’t capable of feeling genuine emotion, including love.

Can an adult who carries these mental scars ever heal? Be strong? Truly enjoy life?


Sincerely,

I Can. I Am. I Will.

Experiencing the international COVID19 crisis, that has resulted in lockdown for many countries, has been one of the toughest periods of my life. For many it has meant boredom and eagerness to return to ‘normality’, but for me it meant being put in a unhealthy comfort zone. One in which I was able to give in to the feelings of helplessness.

I hadn’t heard of the Dear World Project, but just over a week ago I received an application link. I had been shown the way out of my own head and back into the world. A way to express myself through my photography again and support others who may be feeling just as lost. I am honoured to be included in something so positively impactful.

If anything in my letter sounds familiar to you and you would like more information on covert passive aggressive narcissistic disorder, please get in touch and I can share the invaluable points of support I have experienced.