Dear World,

It feels like I am dying, but I realise that I am actually growing.

︎

I am addicted to certainty. I want certain love...that is why it hurts so much to understand and live in the now…that is why it is so hard to let go. Being here, in an unknown place, far away from home during the lockdown in India caused me to question things

I remember being 6 years old and hearing the phone ring. It was my mum, who had left a few days prior.

I had to pretend I was going to play with kids around the neighbourhood. This was my first solo adventure. Through the garden, then across the busy street being careful of cars speeding by. Along the market and through the crowds.

All around me what seemed like giants rushing past me without care of this little girl on her own. I remembered their fast hands, dealing and working. I finally reached the tunnel. My mum waiting at the other end. It was dark and scary, I didn’t want to go through but I missed her so much I had to be brave. Finally, I saw her face.

My mum had always sought for a certain type of love but she never found it. She has been trapped for over 30 years in her world looking for certainty. I followed in her footsteps. Until now. I find myself alone in this kitchen. Disappointed, confused and finding any reason to blame others. I realize that I need to break my addiction to certainty.

The beauty of living in the mystery and the ability to feel without describing was something new for me. I realize that if you love someone you need let them go on their own path. Even if doing so it hurts unimaginably.

It feels like I am dying, but I realise that I am actually growing. I was so addicted to the feeling of certainty without seeing that anything you lose would reappear in another form.

I wonder what my mum is doing now? Is she cooking in her own kitchen? I wish I could share with her that sometimes the wounds in our life is the place where the light enters us.


Sincerely,

Trust the Uncertain